A Familiar Pattern: When Harmony Starts to Harm

A new leader steps into a department that has been through change.

People are tired. Skeptical. A bit brittle around the edges.

One employee, in particular, speaks with open contempt:

“These people are idiots. They have no clue how to do their jobs.”

“They never keep what they commit to anyway.”

The comments are often framed as frustration, sometimes even as humor.

And at first, the leader lets it slide.

They tell themselves:

• I don’t want to overreact.

• I’m still new here.

• I want to build good relationships first.

• Let’s not rock the boat.

So they smooth things over in meetings.

They redirect conversations.

They hope the tone will settle once trust grows.

From the outside, things look calm.

Inside the team, something else is happening.

People stop speaking up.

Energy drops.

Others begin to mirror the cynicism or quietly withdraw from it.

What the leader experiences as “keeping harmony” is, in practice, tolerating an unsafe environment.

The Wake-Up Moment

The shift doesn’t come dramatically.

It comes quietly.

The leader notices:

• People speak more about others than with them

  Frustration is voiced sideways.

  “They don’t get it” replaces direct conversation.

  The system is signaling that honesty feels unsafe.

• Agreement looks smooth, but follow-through is weak

  Meetings end with alignment.

  Afterwards, commitments dissolve or quietly shift.

  Harmony is maintained in the room, clarity is missing in execution.

• The leader starts compensating for the team

  Rephrasing messages.

  Buffering tensions.

  Carrying conversations that others avoid.

  When the leader becomes the lubricant, something essential isn’t being held collectively.

And then the uncomfortable realization lands:

By avoiding this, I’m not being kind. I’m being unclear. And my silence is setting the norm.

This is the moment Kim Scott describes so precisely:

care without challenge doesn’t protect people, it leaves them exposed.

The leader hasn’t acted out of bad intent.

They’ve acted out of a desire to belong, to be liked, to stabilize the system.

But the impact is now visible:

• Contempt has become acceptable

• Trust has eroded

• Others are paying the price for one person’s unchecked behavior

Choosing Clarity Over Comfort

When the leader finally addresses the issue, they don’t lead with accusation.

They lead with clarity.

They name what they observe:

• The repeated use of contemptuous language

• The effect it has on collaboration and safety

• The standard they are responsible for holding

They also name care:

• Acknowledging the employee’s frustration

• Making it clear this is not about silencing critique

• Drawing a firm boundary around how critique is expressed

The conversation is uncomfortable.

The relationship feels strained—for a moment.

But something shifts.

Others begin to speak more freely.

The tone changes.

Trust doesn’t vanish because harmony was disrupted. It begins to rebuild because clarity arrived.

The Leadership Lesson

This is what many leaders underestimate:

• Harmony feels relational

• Clarity is relational

Ignoring toxicity doesn’t keep relationships intact.

It quietly sacrifices the many for the comfort of the moment.

Or, put differently:

Being nice delayed the problem.

Being clear began to repair the system.